I had lunch with my son today and it felt so good. He moved in with his brother and his wife on Saturday. I'm not sure how long he will stay there but I think it's good for him to be able to talk with people who understand but he can always move in with me any time he wants anyway. But it really was lovely. We walked down to a local restaurant where apparently he has been going every lunchtime and buying his lunch "to go" for €10 a pop. I think he's already seeing the difference between France and Switzerland as at a minimum he would be spending SF 17 per day just for lunch. Anyway, it was nice. I have always been very open about my finances, how much I make, what my bills are and so on, so we were going through him buying something in France and how much it would cost him. While he says he loves living in Geneva the prices are ridiculous and he knows he would be better off in France. The only thing I told him is he has to get a handle on his finances. It's more than doable - hell he makes so much more than I do and I'm still saving money. I find it hard to believe also that he has never gotten round to internet banking - damn, they say we're old foggies! So I told him I can help him set all that up but that I think it would do him good to live on his own for a while, pay his own bills and then take it from there. He told me he doesn't think he will ever get married again, doesn't know if he wants kids - and that makes me sad. The good part is that he has his brother and his wife bolstering him up and Max and his other mates really revving the engine! I told him that his mates are really in France so if he bought in France he can still do the drive if he wants to stay in the city after work.
He sent Lily an email saying that he wanted to go directly for a divorce, that he was not prepared to remain her husband while she was messing around so let's go for it. And bingo, he got an email back saying that he had shaken her up, she wasn't prepared for that and so on. She's a good kid and I think they are well suited but in the end, if she wants to start messing around, good on him for saying "nope, I ain't going for that"¨
Anyway, I went through all my finances and what he could expect to pay in bills and it is more than doable. While we were chatting away the lady owner of the restaurant just looked at him and said "I thought you were French". And he laughed and said "nope, I'm anglo-american" and she just looked at him with a stunned look and said she couldn't believe how perfect his French was. Well yeah, he's grown up here! So there you have it. I told him to move in with me if and when, save money and we'd get it all started for him to have his own place. I left feeling that he was quite motivated. As we were walking out of Jordan's place Jordan showed up as he had finished work for the day, so it was lovely to have both my kids there at once. Just wish it could have been under better circumstances!
Good for your son to ask for a divorce. His wife may be a nice person but, wanting to mess around while remaining married is disrespectful in my opinion. To me it sounds like: "I think there may be better choices for me. So, while I look for the one, I would like to park you here just in case I cannot find that better match". He may not want to get married again but that is not such a bad thing. And as for kids, I understand you but, look at this crazy world. I was 8 when I had declared that I would never get married and have kids. I do not know why especially my family was a happy one with a great set of parents and grands. It has been 45 years since that declaration. My sister and brother-in-law considered having kids but, they had some issues and they did not want to go through all those medical processes which I agree with. I am happy, they are happy with their choices. So, I wish your son the best of luck for his new life. Whatever he chooses to do, I hope he will walk a bright path filled with joy, health and happiness.
ReplyDeleteIt is a tough time for your son, so glad he has you and his brother/sister in law there for him. I think anyone who exits a relationship immediately tends to say "I never want to marry again/have kids". Until he meets his life partner he may feel that way. His heart is broken right now, time will heal that
ReplyDeleteHe loves his wife to bits so it is tough. Who knows what he will end up doing!
DeleteThank you sweetheart. For me it has to be about self pride. And he seems to have taken that into account. I always wanted children so I can't fathom a life without them but it's a different world isn't it! I just want him to be happy!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like he's got it all sussed. He's got a lot of support and that goes a long way in this situation I think. I think a lot of people declare they will never get married again when they get a divorce but he's young and who knows what's round the corner. However, its not the end of the world if he means it. Good luck to him. xx
ReplyDeleteI told him that. He loves his wife so for the moment he is totally anti getting married again, but who knows!
DeleteWell- who knows? He may get back with his wife, he may settle down into a sort of single life that he enjoys or he may meet a woman who sweeps him out of his senses and with whom he ends up having children. One never knows. Meanwhile, I'm glad he has you to give him good, sensible advice and motherly support.
ReplyDeleteI know, so much is up in the air. I just wish I could take his pain away!
DeleteA counselor I used to know said relationships are mot supposed to be like a trapeze-- stay on one until you're embarked on another. He's wise not to settle. What a person has done once, they can do again. She may have done them both a favor, in the long run.
ReplyDeleteI never particularly wanted children until I got pregnant and was joyful with our son. He changed my mind. But I wasn't set against children, and when someone knows they don't want them, I think that's to be respected.
I think in reality my son would love to be a father. It's just so tough at the moment. God knows I would fall in love with that little thing from day one!
DeleteI am glad your set has set some boundaries for his life. And now he can make whatever decisions he feels he needs to make. It's funny though. We never get out of Mama bear mode when it comes to our kids, even if they re all grown up
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. I'm still all mama bear with my kid. And I suppose I will be until the day I die. But it's been a lesson in letting go and letting them grow up!
DeleteOnce you've lost trust, it's nearly impossible to get back, and who wants to live like that? Hopefully with family to talk to and listen to and to be there, he'll make the best decision for him.
ReplyDeleteYou're right Bob. It's a tough situation as he loves his wife but I think we have enough of us building him up right now. Thank god for the mates eh!
DeleteHe will probably change his mind once the hurt has dissipated. But, he needs good support and seems to have made his point with her. Didn't they just marry?
ReplyDeleteThey have lived together for 10 years and got married 3 years ago. It was son no. 2 who got married last year.
DeleteGood for your son. If he'd have shaken her up, she'd have called, not sent an email. Believe me, words are easy to type.
ReplyDeleteI think she's shocked because she expected him to go along with the separation for the summer and he hasn't. It's sad though as I think they were good together and I know he loves her!
DeleteAh, these are the times when we see what our kids are made of, and you seem to have a strong young man with a good head on his shoulders.
ReplyDeleteYou know, once a mom always a mom, so I'm really surprised that he has stood up and said "nope". I'm glad he has a backbone but I know how much he is hurting!
DeleteIt's a difficult one and as a parent you have to show support but not say too much. My daughters husband walked out on her and we had anger, tears etc A couple of months later he was trying to woo her back, using the children as a lever. She rejected it and 5 years later she is one awesome woman.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. I don't criticize at all because if they get back together again .... I'm not sure that will happen though as he is just so angry but who knows what the future will hold. So far he's talking about just going out and having fun if this divorce goes through!
DeleteGood for him. X
DeleteBehind every good man is his mother and so good that you can have those conversations in a non-judgemental way
ReplyDeleteMy marriage was far from perfect so who would I be to judge. Plus, as I say, I think they are good together. This may just be a "phase" for them but who knows!
DeleteMy heart goes out to him. Why do the sweetest people get the worst things in love too often? I have a lovely 29 year old daughter and handsome 31 year old son, neither of whom have been lucky enough to find a partner yet. I can't figure out what potential mates would want that neither has? My daughter is independent, but loyal. My son is fun loving, and while not making much money, he's full of life and has little material wants. Can I say I think Lilly is a fool, and she thought she could have it all ways. How strong is your son for not accepting less than honesty and loyalty. You've raised wonderful men. Can you find mates for my kids?
ReplyDeleteI think probably the biggest "fault" for my son and his wife was meeting each other when they were just 18 and falling in love. So then 15 years later maybe you get bored (don't we all). I don't know, que sera I suppose. As for finding mates for your kids to me that shouldn't even be difficult. I know it might be frustrating for them at their ages because didn't we all want a partner at that age? I'm sure they'll find their happiness at some point but it's the not knowing that's hard isn't it!
DeleteI have a daughter and son in law who don't ever want kids and it works for them. But it conscious choice and I have grandpuppies.and then i.have a 40 year old late blooming son not even close suffering from various issues....kids!
ReplyDeleteI think my son would like children but I don't think it's "essential" and I absolutely respect people's right to make that choice. Having children isn't for everyone and it's bloody hard work (as we well know). Only time will tell I guess!
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