Granada!

I've been so tired since I got back from Spain it's been incredible. I suppose Spain was full on (in more ways than one) and then everything started back up this end too, so I've just spent the last hour going through my emails and updating my calendar and it's a good thing I did. I'm usually on top of all this stuff but I reckon I "lost the will to live" a bit in Spain (figuratively speaking) and it's taken me a while to get back on top of things!

The big draw for Granada is the Alhambra Palace, somewhere you have to book months in advance or you won't get in. Someone was explaining to me that as soon as tickets come up for sale bots start crawling through the website and buying up all the tickets in the hopes that they can do a bit of price gouging later on. Apparently the same is true of Harry Potter World in London (and I'm sure in many other places too), so I was glad we left all that to the travel agent and didn't have to worry about it!

We learned the night before that our departure time had to be changed a little so Monique started running round dining tables in the hotel restaurant trying to catch everyone to give them this news. I got fed up of having to absorb her stress (again) so told her to give me everyone's phone numbers and I would set up a Whatsapp group to pass on the message and ask everyone to confirm receipt. She of course had no idea how to do this (fair enough) but do you think she would leave me in peace to get it set up!!! Of course she couldn't - "are you nearly finished" "shall I run round the tables anyway", "would you like me to read the telephone numbers out to you" (absolutely bloody not! Anyone who knows any French will know just how complicated French numbers are and I did NOT want her wittering in my ear while I was trying to set it up)!

Anyhoo, I got that done and everyone was on time for our bus trip to Granada. We were given about an hour's free time to wander around and then told to meet back at the fountain in the main square by 11.30 am in order to head off to lunch. Well all but one person showed up on time and guess who that one person was - I bet you can't guess. When we realized it was Monique that was missing one of the men started laughing and that set the whole group off. I walked away as I didn't want to be part of that but it did bring home just how fed up everyone was of her shenanigans!

The bad news is that she was late because she'd had her wallet stolen in the souq!!! Now I don't make fun of her for that because it can - and does - happen to anyone (these people are very good at what they do), but as you can imagine this was yet another problem that I sensed I'd end up having to sort out later. During lunch I handed out group paperwork that I'd kept and paid for various things with my own club card since hers had been stolen, and after that it was off to the Alhambra Palace because they have very strict entry times for larger groups! The unfortunate thing is that you have to show your ID in order to get through the gates, and while Monique had left her passport at the hotel, her French ID card was in her wallet when it was stolen and she didn't have a photo of it on her phone so they couldn't allow her in - and believe me they tried everything to accommodate her. Ultimately it was no use so she sat in the restaurant with a couple of ladies who felt they weren't up to the walking involved on the tour!

Hotel America, inside the grounds
of the Alhambra Palace!

At this particular courtyard there were a group of about 15 Japanese "infuencer-types" all doing their "infuencer-type things" and holding everyone up who might also have wanted to get some pictures. They were very pretty, all wore long dresses, high heels and flowers in their hair - and they each had to have their photo taken "influencer style" - trout pout, arched back and come hither smoulder! After waiting a while, one of the ladies in our group barged forward, stood right next to the latest "influencer" and struck the same pose - which kinda helped move them on a bit so those of us stuck behind them were grateful!

The small town outside the palace!

The Palace was beautiful, of course, as was the Palais Charles Quint, and Jardins du Generalife, but we ended up being somewhat rushed as we'd wasted so much time beforehand trying to sort Monique out!

On the bus heading back to the hotel I used my phone app to contact the bank about her club credit card, then I managed to get into her personal account and we called them to block that card, but she didn't want to keep going in order to block the last stolen card which was linked to another of her personal accounts. I pushed her to keep going because while I was on the bus I had time to spare but she wouldn't - or at least wouldn't keep trying this account until we were nearly back at the hotel - at which point it was full steam ahead to get this card blocked before leaving the bus!!!! So far we know that the thieves have already used the club card to the tune of €50 (the maximum amount they can spend without having to punch in the code) and I don't know if they were able to use her personal cards but I think jumping on it so quickly will (hopefully) have prevented them from doing too much damage!

When I got off the bus I was fed up, tired and dirty so I wandered over to the bar to get myself a glass of wine to take up to my room while I was getting cleaned up. And that was when Monique came running over to say that the hotel had called a taxi to take her to the police station and I had to go with her!!!! I tell ya, that glass of wine was about one inch from my lips - one inch - and I had to put it back down on the bar and follow her back to reception! I told her to give me a minute so I could at least drop my stuff off in my room and when I got back downstairs the taxi was there. He asked if I was the client and I said yes but we had to wait for the other lady - but after about 10 minutes he said "look I can't wait any longer as I have other clients so give me a call when she gets here" - and he drove off! When she eventually showed up Monique went into a tailspin about how "she hadn't been gone that long and he shouldn't have driven off" but I just asked reception to call us another taxi and we were on our way all the while she's having a caniption fit in the back seat!

In the car Monique tried to give the driver a tourist map of the town to show where the police station was but I told her to put it away because this was his patch and he knew where the bloody police station was! Now I can get by in Spanish but it is hard and I need them to speak slowly (but of course no native speaker in any language is capable of that), so at one point I've got Monique yapping in my right ear in French about how "she couldn't understand how they'd gotten their hands on her wallet" and the taxi driver talking 100 miles an hour in Spanish that I'm finding very hard to follow, so again I had to tell Monique to stop yapping please!!!!!! When we got the police station they didn't speak English or French so I again have the same problem of having to tell her to shut up and let the cop speak!!!! After about an hour we were done and called the taxi to take us back to the hotel - and that was when Motormouth came running out of reception yelling that Leone (the woman who missed the outbound flight) had also been robbed! I asked her what she'd had stolen and it was only about €20 and no paperwork so I told her there was no point going back to the police station because the police would only do a report if paperwork had been stolen, not cash! At that point I told Monique I was going for a drink and when she tried to shoo me into the hotel I just said "hell no" and headed off on my own to a bar where I could hide - unwashed and sweaty - and enjoy a glass of wine on my own in peace!!! To top it all off, when I got back to my room I stripped off to take a shower and that was when I realized the maid service had taken my dirty towels but hadn't left any clean ones - so I had to get dressed again, call down to reception and then wait for them to send someone up with the replacement towels! To say it was not my day would be an understatement!

Gibraltar!

A day trip to Gibraltar was an optional extra which I really wanted to do because "it's worth seeing at least once" apparently! It is a self-governing British Overseas Territory which was ceded to the British forever under the Treaty of Utrecht in 1713. Because of its strategic importance the forever bit hasn't stopped Spain from repeatedly trying (and failing) to claim it - much to the relief of its citizens who voted overwhelmingly (over 99% each time) in referendums in 1967 and 2002 to remain British. More on that later!

The distance between Gibraltar and
Morocco is around 22 km at the
narrowest point.

A google image!

Of course, being the only day we were "going to Britain" it had to start raining, much to the mirth of our tour guide. It didn't rain much but it did make our trip hot and humid, unfortunately! As our guide was calling our names to board the bus she asked me if I was English (because of my name) and when I said yes, she then asked if I was okay with the visit being in French - to which I replied no problem, obviously. So on the way there we got a brief summary of how the trip would play out and what we would be visiting. When she mentioned our visit to see the apes she also said that legend had it that if the apes ever disappeared completely from Gibraltar, British sovereignty would fall! And naturally Monique had something to say about that because of course the guide was just being rude to me because I was English and making fun of Gibraltar's apes running away! I tell you, this is what I was dealing with every bloody day. They have an expression in French which basically states that "she sees insult or bad intent everywhere" and that is so very true in Monique's case. Honestly I would hate to be inside her head! So I explained to her that it was just folklore but that during WWII, when Churchill learned that only seven apes remained, he had another 20 or so shipped out to The Rock in order for Gibraltar to remain British!!!!

To be honest, you don't go to Gib for the scenery, but (to my mind at least) its history is fascinating. I watched a couple of documentaries on it before going to Spain and will probably read up on it some more when I get the chance. In the meantime, this article gives a brief overview!

In 711 AD Berber general Tariq ibn Ziyad captured Gibraltar (Jebel Tariq means Tariq's mountain) and ultimately Jebel Tariq became Gibraltar! (I love this stuff, but skip ahead if you don't)! Between 1779 and 1783 the French and Spanish laid siege to Gibraltar but were unable to capture it, in part thanks to the tunnels that the Gibraltans dug through the rock from where they were able to rain cannonballs down on the attacking fleet. These tunnels were also used during WWII apparently, but I'd have to look up more on that another time. As I mentioned above, in two referendums (referenda?) in 1967 and 2002 the population voted by over 99% to remain British, which so pissed off Franco that he closed the land border completely in 1969, it only being reopened in 1985. In fact, only this July the actual border was done away with completely, thus allowing around 13,000 Spanish workers to cross every day to work on The Rock and greatly helping lower local unemployment rates!

One of the tidbits our guide told us (and which I really loved) is that legend has it that Hercules, after completing his 12 labours, dropped to his knees and fell forward onto his elbows with such force that he split the land into two - thereby creating the continents of Europe and Africa!

Anyhoo, apart from all this history stuff, it is also a great place to buy ciggies!!! I kid you not. I'm not sure if it's VAT-free or totally duty free, but I bought a couple of cartons of cigarettes for Jen for around €45 each in Gib, and another carton for a lady at club for around €61 in Spain - as opposed to approximately €140 in France!!! Not that I like encouraging people to smoke but since they're going to smoke anyway, it made sense to pick up a few cartons while I was there!

We had about an hour to wander round main street and get some lunch, and it was just like being back home in England for me, what with Marks and Spencer's on the street corner and local pubs serving fish and chips - a real treat! After lunch we were taken by minibus to visit the Upper Rock Nature Reserve and St. Michael's Cave (grotto). Our bus driver was a hoot but didn't speak any French so I volunteered to translate for him. When he asked me how come my French was so good I told him I'd been offered a five month contract in Geneva in 1980 and 46 years later ......! So then I asked him how he'd come to be working in Gib and he told me he'd "been on a plane going to watch Manchester United play when the guy sitting next to him ...."! We were both cracking up and again it was so nice to just banter with another Brit!

Hercules splitting the continents!

The Barbary Macaques roam free
but you obviously need
to keep your distance!

They hold concerts inside St. Michael's Cave
on occasion because of the
wonderful accoustics!

Let me in, let me in - or I could just
hop over the fence!

This is an artificial waterfall -
they flush their toilets with sea water!

A mosque paid for by the Saudis!

The port of Algeciras - the port
most often used by North Africans
living in Europe when going home!

Morocco in the distance!

As we were leaving the minibus, I walked over to the driver to hand him a tip. I was loaded up with all my gear when I suddenly realized I didn't have my phone, so he said not to worry he'd go back and have a look. When he didn't find it he looked down at me and went "darlin' it's in your left hand"! I burst out laughing and apologized to him - and of course Monique had to take offence on my behalf because "how rude of him to call you darling, that is just not done"! I swear if I'd had a free hand I would have taken a swing at her by this point, but I patiently explained to her that it's perfectly normal in England (and most likely throughout the whole of the UK) for someone to call you "darling" or "love" - especially an older woman. You hear it in the markets all the time and is no more offensive than when the Italians say ciao bella! Damn, I wish she'd get off her high horse just for once, but it wasn't to be - more on that tomorrow!

Cordoba!

The next day we were off to Cordoba to visit the "cathedral within a mosque". Monique was already ruminating as I sat down to have breakfast and by this point I was so fed up of her and her witterings that I had to say something. As she sat down opposite me she immediately started in on whatever the hell was bothering her this morning so I told her that (a) at this point I'm full of cold and can't hear her as she was mumbling, and (b) would she mind giving me 15 minutes to have breakfast in peace because whatever was "wrong" - well I'm sure we could sort it out easily enough a bit later on. Pretty rude of course, but by this time I was really starting to have a belly full of her!

After that we headed out to Cordoba, where the main attraction was the "cathedral within a mosque". As I was about to get off the bus I put sunscreen on my arms because apparently we were in for another scorcher. At this point Motormouth asked if she could have some of the sunscreen so I handed it over to her - at which point Monique said that I shouldn't let her have any because it was up to her to bring her own. I mean, seriously???? When will she ever mind her own goddamn business???? We were given about an hour to ourselves when we first got there and after a little wander five of us sat down in the main square for a drink. I happened to notice that someone had left a parcel at an empty table next to ours so decided to take it into the bar and leave it with them for whenever its owner came back looking for it (a young woman came back about 15 minutes later). While I was in there I paid for the round of drinks, after which Monique tapped me on the arm and said that "on these trips people paid for their own drinks", to which I replied that €13 wasn't going to break the bank and in any case it was my pleasure to pay for a round". All of that earned me "oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, can I carry your bag, can I buy you a drink later"! I tell you, it was like this all bloody week and what I really wanted her to do was to back off and leave me in peace for a few bloody hours. (Oh, and it actually got even worse after this - and since we've been back in France - but I'm guessing that will come out in due course)!

Before heading to the mosque we had what turned out to be the best lunch of the trip. One thing we all agreed on was that the cold tomato soup was so very very good indeed. It's called salmorejo and is not gazpacho (can't stand the stuff) so I looked up the recipe when I got home and will be making it sometime this week as it could be a hit at our next board game evening. You can find the recipe here.

Salmorejo!

At lunch I ended up sitting next to Motormouth's mother and she turned out to be quite pleasant and good company (a) if you remembered to look at her when you spoke so that she could lip read and (b) if her bloody daughter would just leave her alone for five minutes straight. When I asked her if she would like some wine, she said just a drop - at which point her daughter chimed in that "non maman, I don't want you to have wine". So I asked her if she was on any medication that meant she shouldn't drink and she said no, it was just that her daughter thought she ruled the world and everyone in it - so I poured her less than an inch of wine in the bottom of her glass and she gave me a big smile as we clinked glasses! Apparently there is another daughter who is just as bad as Motormouth so I'm guessing life's not exactly a laugh a minute for this poor lady!

After lunch we headed out to the old town of Cordoba, which had once been the capital of what is now Spain during the Roman empire. The site of the mosque had originally been a Christian basilica, then the mosque was built on top of it and later a cathedral was built inside the mosque in the 16th century. As a result of all this, the cathedral within a mosque has the most unusual architecture I think I have ever seen - and all of it very beautiful, even if I do tend to prefer the Arab style when all's said and done

The town also has a "fiesta de los patios" where people compete to see who can create the most beautiful patios, which are open to the public to admire on that one day only!

This patio couldn't compete because
there are only small businesses here,
and no private homes!

After our visit we took a short walk around the Jewish quarter - again very interesting with amazing architecture - before heading back to our bus!

I can't remember this gent's name but despite his clothing style he was actually a Jewish man who made great advances in the treatment of eye ailments (I know, I know, that's probably a very bastardized explanation for the work of a man who was most likely a genius - sorry about that)!

After that it was just a matter of crossing the Roman bridge - which was apparently the only bridge into the old town for over 20 centuries! While we were waiting for our bus, Motormouth's mom raised her walking stick to point to something and the lower part of it flew off, just missing one of the men in our group. I must admit at this point if it had knocked Monique speechless for a while I can't say I would have minded but luckily, no-one was hurt!

The Roman Bridge!

When we got back to the hotel I got chatting to a couple of Scottish scaffolders, one of whom had burned to a fetching reddish colour somewhat akin to that of the salmorejo soup mentioned above. Monique started to wander over but as I made no attempt to include her in our conversation (they didn't speak French of course) she actually left me alone for one whole evening, so thank you lads, and I hope you enjoyed the rest of your stay!

Sevilla!

The next day proved to be the longest (and hottest) day of our trip, with temperatures hitting 38°C (100°F) at one point - it was obviously miserable! Our guide for this day was Jesus (still can't find the Spanish accents), who walked us through the local landscape/agriculture before we arrived in Seville. Much of this region is given over to olive and bitter orange production, and oddly enough the bitter oranges are not used for making marmalade but rather in the perfume industry! While all the byproducts from the olive and orange industry can be used as compost, I had to ask him how he thought all the "dead" solar panels/wind turbines would affect the environment once they were no longer of any use. He explained that the aim was to recycle all these "green energy machines" once they no longer served their purpose, but I do remember seeing somewhere that most of this stuff would just pour more, non-green toxins into the landscape once it was no longer used in agricultural production!

After a couple of hours we stopped at a service station for a potty stop and when I went in to buy a coffee I realized that I'd come out of a totally different door after I'd paid. Not a big deal, but then I realized that Monique was following not too long after me and I just knew she would get lost! In fact, I said as much when I got back to the bus. Monique had gone into the service station to buy candies for the bus and sure enough, we ended up waiting for her as she figured her way round a square building to get back to the bus. I'm not saying this to laugh at her, but I think it is indicative of how she's just not totally with it anymore! More on that later!

She had intended to buy candies for the entire bus and when we set off destination Seville she got up and started passing them around, at which point our guide told her to sit down as it was dangerous. Two minutes later she's up again and again he told her to sit down. At this point she gets pissy because (a) she can't get her seatbelt to work (she'd got it turned round the wrong way) and (b) no-one was going to tell her what to do - so the driver pulled over to the side of the road and said we weren't going any further until Monique sat down! I tried to make light of it by saying "hey, when Jesus tells you to sit down, you sit down" but she just got even more pissy! One of our committee members commented that she thought that since Monique had been club president 15 years ago she just assumed she could do everything that she did back then - but then realized she couldn't. The same is true of all of us of course. I mean, who can do everything you did 15 years ago - certainly not me - but then Monique just lashes out because "no-one was going to tell her what to do"! It's sad really because I know she's a good woman who means well, but she is also a desperately unhappy woman who lashes out at people when she feels inadequate!

Eventually we made it to Plaza de Espana which was absolutely stunning, but unfortunately lack of time and searing heat meant that we probably didn't get to enjoy it was much as we might have!

After Plaza de Espana we headed out for what turned out to be the worst lunch of our stay, but in the end, I wasn't doing the cooking, nor was I doing the washing up. Lunch was followed by a visit to the 15th century cathedral, followed by a walking visit to the Jewish quarter! There really is so much to see in Seville for a history buff so while they tried to fit in as much as they could, it would never be enough and we could spend hours, if not weeks doing the rounds!

Plaza de Espana

In order to visit the cathedral woman were required to cover their shoulders and everyone had to cover their knees - which was a huge joke because once inside the cathedral half the visitors were in shorts and most of the Japanese "influencers" were wearing off-the-shoulder dresses. We were also required to carry ID and two of our group were randomly singled out to produce their ID, while the rest of us got off scott free!

The tomb of Christopher Colombus!

Seville Cathedral

The tomb of Columbus's second son!

After we'd finished our visit we had about 30 minutes to go buy drinks and use the bathrooms. I was sitting outside a cafe with Motormouth on one side and a lady I knew only superficially on the other. All of a sudden Motormouth leans around me to the other lady and asked if she'd been able to deal with her colostomy bag okay???? This woman is frickin' nuts. Who the hell starts talking about someone's colostomy bag outside while sitting at a cafe and working her wrinkled neck past me in order to ask her question???? I tell ya, when I complain about this trip it has nothing to do with those (few) people who struggled physically. In reality it had everything to do with the likes of Motormouth and - sadly - Monique - who followed me around like a lost puppy, desperate for me not to abandon her. One of our ladies commented that this is what she does every Tuesday at club - she chases Martine around because she is so out of her depth. It's sad really, because I know she's worth more than that, but maybe, just maybe, there comes a moment when it's just time to hang up your apron and let someone else take over (although the someone who "takes over" will never be me - no way I'm taking on that sh@t)!