I've been taking care of Charlie full-time this week as the crèche closes for the month of August and Jordan and Jen only start their vacation (they're off to Brittany) next week. Now that he's well again he is his usual adorable self but I'd forgotten just how hard it is taking care of a baby full-time. You can't do anything on the spur of the moment and have to plan everything around the baby's schedule! Plus if you do have to go out you basically end up packing for a Himalayan trekking expedition! Oh I know you build up to it and you definitely develop a routine as time goes on with your own kids, but it brought back to me just how hard a job being a stay-at-home (SAHM) is! I would have given my right arm to be a SAHM, but since I earned more than my husband and I was the one with the wonderful expat benefits it wasn't to be. Ultimately the fact that I kept my job worked in my favour because I was able to comfortably divorce my husband (receiving no spousal or child support of course) when he decided the bar room skank was a better fit for him (she was)! More than once I've wondered where I would have ended up if I had stayed home with my kids with no income of my own, only to be abandoned for a skank at 51. Thankfully I never had to find out!
Of course working full-time with young kids I, like so many others, had the constant pressure of having to run, run, run and the stress of keeping all those plates spinning was tremendous - as any working mom knows! But to anyone who wonders "what on earth SAHM's do all day", I would just say try it for yourself and then get back to me in a year's time! Because of course it's not just about the kids is it. There's the cooking and cleaning and shopping and homework and all the other duties that usually fall to the person that stays home. It can also be mind-blowingly stultifying to sing Old MacDonald Had A Farm on an endless loop to try to calm a cranky baby (ask me how I know - tee hee - at least Charlie knows all the names of the farmyard animals in English at this point)!
At one point, when we were in the thick of raising kids and both working full-time, I spoke to my husband about the possibility of him giving up work to stay home because I felt that if we were careful financially we could have pulled it off. Trouble with that was the words "financial prudence" and "my husband" should never feature in the same sentence - as I learned to my cost after getting married. I mean this was the guy who, while drunk, went out one Saturday afternoon and bought himself a car (on credit, of course) for €40,000 (which was around $60,000 at the time), while I was driving a car that would generously be valued at around €1,000 in the divorce!!! So no, we would quickly have gotten into a real financial mess if he had given up work and we depended solely on my income. The other problem with having him being a stay-at-home dad was that I learned - through experience when he lost his job in the US - that his idea of being a SAHD was feeding the baby and maybe making dinner - but that was it. I remember coming home from work one night and he hadn't washed or dressed the baby at all that day, the washing was piled up and he was doing his usual, sitting there playing guitar. For him, as I say, being a SAHD didn't involve grocery shopping, cleaning, ironing or anything other than - well "staying home", so I dropped that idea poste haste! It was a shame though because I always felt life would have been easier in so many ways if one of us - it didn't matter who - had been able to stay home! So having spent a few days with Charlie, who I reckon needs an inordinate amount of sleep at the moment, it reminded me again of just how much "unseen" work stay-at-home moms do, Ladies (and the occasional gent), I salute you!
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| By Katie Kirby, Hurrah For Gin |
In other news, André got the keys to his apartment on Tuesday so I packed for the aforementioned Himalayan expedition and took Charlie over to see it - and it's just lovely. It's on the top (second) floor of a small, new build apartment block about 30 minutes from my place.
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| The view from his very large balcony. It's not a very good picture as I had babe on one arm and was trying to get the picture with the other. The mountains in the distance are where my house is - so he can wave good night to me every evening if he feels like it! |
On Wednesday most of his furniture was delivered and assembled, with more being delivered today. The kitchen will only go in next Tuesday but he said it is already looking good. Unfortunately he can't get a wifi connection before 18 August as so many people are on holiday, so he was initially thinking he would have to continue to work from my place. But with Jordan and Jen being away as from next week they asked him to move into their place until they get back - which works out well for them also because he can take care of Leni, the horrible cat! Seriously, this cat is a nasty piece of work who would scratch you rather than look at you (thankfully he's ok with the baby so far). I mean, the other day I had put my bag on the table with my car keys next to it. Well Leni has a handbag fetish and is forever sniffing around it. As I wanted to leave I managed to nudge my bag away from him, but in order to get my car keys I had to go get a large hooked pole (you know, the kind you close roller blinds with) and surreptitiously hook my keys away from him! The good news is that with me going over there more often to take care of the baby he now just treats me with mild contempt - and I can live with that because the feeling is mutual. But André has a better relationship with him as he lived with J and J for three months so I guess a short period of cohabitation between them will work out okay!
So I'm really pleased to see that things are working out well for him and he's happy. I was asking him about work the other day and apparently he is good to work from home (primarily) for the next four years, because his employer is renovating their main building with a view to getting rid of an annex and what I presume is a ridiculously high rent. Of course he and the rest of the staff will have periods when they will have to be on site (and he is happy to go in to work anyway), but to be able to telecommute pretty much indefinitely will be a dream come true (if he did but know it), given the horrendous traffic problems we have round here. Heck, I was only asking for the occasional telecommuting days and my boss refused - hence I handed my notice in two years earlier than I intended to. But then whaddayaknow, a few months later the pandemic arrives and everyone has been telecommuting ever since. But, as I've said before, I don't regret quitting because the freedom I have gained was so worth it. And now I'm off to sing Old MacDonald to try to get the Munchkin down for his nap! Freedom? What freedom? Did I say freedom????
Glad to hear the baby's better. And good for Andre that he's going to be able to work for home. I wish I had that option.
ReplyDeleteYou'd have to keep an inordinate amount of flooring in your garage if you wanted to work from home wouldn't you!
Delete" Trouble with that was the words "financial prudence" and "my husband" should never feature in the same sentence..."
ReplyDeleteGreat line! lololz
And that ain't even the HALF of it, sadly!
DeleteA colleague of mine worked in Sydney city for decades and eventually got sick of the commute, taking a much lower paid job to be close to home. He was extremely disappointed when the pandemic came not long after and his previous colleagues were all working from home. It's probably a story that is told over and over.
ReplyDeleteI was SAHM and I don't regret for a moment the huge investment I made into my children, I am disappointed that I have never had a real career, just a series of entry level jobs. we can't genuinely have it all, that's a lie they told us
Oh I think your colleague's experience really is mirrored all round the world at the moment, but as I say, I don't regret it for one minute. And in the end, the big salaries are indeed great, but it's amazing how much you DON'T need ultimately. And good for you for being a SAHM - as I say, it was always what I wanted to do too. But you're right, we mostly can't have it all really, not if we want to maintain our mental and physical health. I reckon working 50% would be ideal to save your sanity and give you time with the kids, but somehow we seem to have moved away from that. That being said, I read that this whole pandemic/work from home situation is making quite a few people reassess what they REALLY want/need from life, so maybe it won't have been a totally negative experience for some!
DeleteI am thrilled you are getting to spend so much time with Charlie! Grand-parenting is the best gig in the world.
ReplyDeleteI was a SAHM and it was both fun and horrible. It just depended on the day, but it did allow us the freedom for one of us to be with the kids for whatever they needed.
Glad things are going well for Andre's move. It is nice that he can stay with the cat. Cats typically have nothing but disdain for me.
I am really enjoying being with Charlie, of course. Right after his nap and his bottle he sits there like Buddha for about 15 minutes blowing bubbles (both ends) and contemplating the world. And then, since he's just learned how to squeal, we have squealing matches - and it's great. And I think you're right - staying home with kids can be both so satisfying and have you swinging from the ceiling in the space 24 hours!
DeleteI was more or less a SAHM. I say that because I always still had a job of some sort, just worked outwith childcare hours! I sold Pippa Dee in the evenings, I showed homes for an estate agent in the evenings, I worked in my dads shop every weekend and once the youngest was of an age to attend playgroup, I became a playgroup leader before moving on to be an advisor for the playgroup association. I only started 'real' work once my youngest was at school and even then I worked in a school so had more or less school hours and school holidays. It means my work pension is very small but I loved my life. I think it was easier back then to be a SAHM because it was much more common so it was easy to make friends with other mums and organise playdates and coffees etc for some 'adult' conversation. But as you say, every outing is an expedition and there is never a dull moment with three under 5's in the house with you!! It's all worked out brilliantly for Andre hasn't it, even down to having a place to work until he gets his wifi! What a fabulous view he's got. A nice place to sit of an evening and enjoy the view. Lol at the nasty cat. I'm not a big fan of cats and I'm pretty sure they can tell!
ReplyDeleteSounds like you might need a holiday after your full time gran stint lol! x
I think you're right, it was easier to be a SAHM previously AND still bring in a little money, although even then just think how much energy you had to expend and how organized you had to be! As they say, that's why you have them young. The plus side for me is that I no longer have to run anywhere and can just sit and enjoy him - which is what I suppose grandparenting is all about. The other day his schedule was really off and Jen complained she'd only seen him for half an hour that day. That's working moms for you! And I'm not particularly a cat fan either (prefer dogs) but Leni is a nasty cat (until he gets used to you I guess). That being said, the neighbours took in a feral cat and she's a real beauty with a lovely nature, so I guess just like humans, each cat has it's own personality too!
DeleteBeing a SAHM is not easy - but rewarding!! Two of my sisters are both SAHMs, one tried to rejoin the workforce recently but the pandemic nixed it for now - she still has at at home business however. I am glad Andre is settled, and that you rescued your keys from that kitty! I love cats but some can be very nasty indeed!!
ReplyDeleteI think being a SAHM is a mixed bag, like you say. Very rewarding but it can be awfully isolating too AND it takes a helluva lot of organization. Still, we all do as best we can don't we!
DeleteI stayed at home with my children. I, too, had a few little side gigs that I worked around but it was not easy. I look back and wonder how I did it, especially when I had two young teens and two very young children. And I still felt guilty that I wasn't "contributing" more to the family.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a woman's lot to feel "guilty" because we are never "good enough" isn't it! When my ex insisted we leave DC (and I gave up another good job at the World Bank) to move to Pittsburgh I also had to bring money in while having a new baby at home. I managed to get freelance typing work and proof-reading in French BUT the only time I could do it was when André was in bed. And like you, I wonder how I did it! I do remember rarely getting time to eat and the gasp from my mom when I flew to England weighing about 100 lbs! Still, being too thin is no longer one of my problems!
DeleteDear Treaders and Friends, a far cry from Aunt Bernice. She was a housewife, who was 100% dependent on Uncle Gordon's income - and she never drove. Uncle would say to her, "Bernie, what do you need?" If it was vac-bags and / or a dress, he took her shopping. "Nothing cheap about him," is what Mom said.
ReplyDeleteSeems like Mr. and Mrs. Albright are exceptions to what usually happened or happens...but then again, society just didn't come under the Lord's judgment three Tuesday's ago.
Being 100% financially dependent on your husband was pretty much the norm many years ago. It also jives with some comments I heard when I was getting divorced about "well we made a go of it and stuck with the marriage" (not from my friends or family I would add). But to my way of thinking, since more women started going out to work they no longer had to put up with shitty marriages to abusive and/or cheating men (both in my case). There are, of course, genuinely happy marriages where one person is dependent on the other financially and they work as a team, but sadly I feel that they aren't maybe as numerous as we think. But thanks for stopping by my blog (meant to put that at the beginning)!
DeleteI, like my mother before me, am a SAHM. I remember someone asking my mother why a higher (she had multiple degrees) education was so important if a woman was only going to be home with her kids. My father froze at that, and all eyes turned to my mother took a deep, DEEP drag of her cigarette, exhaled, and said "My Dear, if you have to ask the question, you'll never understand the answer."
ReplyDeleteLike my mother before me, I made it quite clear that if I was going to have children, I was going to be home with the children. Back in the early days, I thought fondly of the workplace--nobody crawls after you into the bathroom there! I was raised to believe that a man or woman is no less important or successful for choosing to spend their days taking charge of the household. I feel badly for parents who don't have the choice, but, while it sounds calculating, these issues are things that need to be clarified before a relationship gets too far on. My parents were excellent models in the concept of an egalitarian marriage. I was so fortunate, I realize that.
Man, I like the sound of your mom (I can picture the whole Bette Davies withering look while taking a drag on her cigarette)!
DeleteI worked casual and my ex husband was a pilot so we worked opposite shifts and it mostly worked out. He was good with the kids, it was just me he didn't really like:)
ReplyDeleteWorking one or two days a week was the best of both worlds. Staying home with small kids can be mind numbing but working full time is exhausting, so I had a happy medium. Only downside, no pension. Thank goodness I was entitled to half of my ex husband's pension. He also bought a Porsche one night when he was drunk.
I'm so glad I divorced him.
I think part-time work when you have young kids is probably ideal, both for yourself and also for having the kids socialize from an early age. Like Meg said above, just being able to go to the toilet without someone crawling after you was my definition of heaven at the time. But you know what, NOBODY gets it right - or at least I don't think anyone does. We all do what we think is best at the time and then hindsight usually shows us where we got it wrong doesn't it. And I'm with you on getting that divorce (obviously)!
DeleteTrouble with being a working Mum is you try to assuage the guilt by doing the day job and then everything you think the SAHM would do too, until one day you realise life is just too exhausting, drop the housework and live in squalor
ReplyDeleteYou're absolutely right. I guess SAHMs maybe feel guilt for not bringing home the bacon and mothers working outside the home usually have to "prove" that they can do it all too. I once took a home-made cake (I like baking so not a problem) over to the farmer's wife because she had given me some eggs. Something she said to me still sticks in my mind to this day. She asked "when do you EVER get time to relax"? And she was right - I didn't (I'm making up for it now though at Slob Central)!
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