Gibraltar!

A day trip to Gibraltar was an optional extra which I really wanted to do because "it's worth seeing at least once" apparently! It is a self-governing British Overseas Territory which was ceded to the British forever under the Treaty of Utrecht in 1713. Because of its strategic importance the forever bit hasn't stopped Spain from repeatedly trying (and failing) to claim it - much to the relief of its citizens who voted overwhelmingly (over 99% each time) in referendums in 1967 and 2002 to remain British. More on that later!

The distance between Gibraltar and
Morocco is around 22 km at the
narrowest point.

A google image!

Of course, being the only day we were "going to Britain" it had to start raining, much to the mirth of our tour guide. It didn't rain much but it did make our trip hot and humid, unfortunately! As our guide was calling our names to board the bus she asked me if I was English (because of my name) and when I said yes, she then asked if I was okay with the visit being in French - to which I replied no problem, obviously. So on the way there we got a brief summary of how the trip would play out and what we would be visiting. When she mentioned our visit to see the apes she also said that legend had it that if the apes ever disappeared completely from Gibraltar, British sovereignty would fall! And naturally Monique had something to say about that because of course the guide was just being rude to me because I was English and making fun of Gibraltar's apes running away! I tell you, this is what I was dealing with every bloody day. They have an expression in French which basically states that "she sees insult or bad intent everywhere" and that is so very true in Monique's case. Honestly I would hate to be inside her head! So I explained to her that it was just folklore but that during WWII, when Churchill learned that only seven apes remained, he had another 20 or so shipped out to The Rock in order for Gibraltar to remain British!!!!

To be honest, you don't go to Gib for the scenery, but (to my mind at least) its history is fascinating. I watched a couple of documentaries on it before going to Spain and will probably read up on it some more when I get the chance. In the meantime, this article gives a brief overview!

In 711 AD Berber general Tariq ibn Ziyad captured Gibraltar (Jebel Tariq means Tariq's mountain) and ultimately Jebel Tariq became Gibraltar! (I love this stuff, but skip ahead if you don't)! Between 1779 and 1783 the French and Spanish laid siege to Gibraltar but were unable to capture it, in part thanks to the tunnels that the Gibraltans dug through the rock from where they were able to rain cannonballs down on the attacking fleet. These tunnels were also used during WWII apparently, but I'd have to look up more on that another time. As I mentioned above, in two referendums (referenda?) in 1967 and 2002 the population voted by over 99% to remain British, which so pissed off Franco that he closed the land border completely in 1969, only reopening it in 1985. In fact, only this July the actual border was done away with completely, thus allowing around 13,000 Spanish workers to cross every day to work on The Rock and greatly helping lower local unemployment rates!

One of the tidbits our guide told us (and which I really loved) is that legend has it that Hercules, after completing his 12 labours, dropped to his knees and fell forward onto his elbows with such a bang that he split the land into two - thereby creating the continents of Europe and Africa!

Anyhoo, apart from all this history stuff, it is also a great place to buy ciggies!!! I kid you not. I'm not sure if it's VAT-free or totally duty free, but I bought a couple of cartons of cigarettes for Jen for around €45 each in Gib, and another carton for a lady at club for around €61 in Spain - as opposed to approximately €140 in France!!! Not that I like encouraging people to smoke but since they're going to smoke anyway, it made sense to pick up a few cartons while I was there!

We had about an hour to wander round main street and get some lunch, and it was just like being back home in England for me, what with Marks and Spencer's on the street corner and local pubs serving fish and chips - a real treat! After lunch we were taken by minibus to visit the Upper Rock Nature Reserve and St. Michael's Cave (grotto). Our bus driver was a hoot but didn't speak any French so I volunteered to translate for him. When he asked me how come my French was so good I told him I'd been offered a five month contract in Geneva in 1980 and 46 years later ......! So then I asked him how he'd come to be working in Gib and he told me he'd "been on a plane going to watch Manchester United play when the guy sitting next to him ...."! We were both cracking up and again it was so nice to just banter with another Brit!

Hercules splitting the continents!

The Barbary Macaques roam free
but you obviously need
to keep your distance!

They hold concerts inside St. Michael's Cave
on occasion because of the
wonderful accoustics!

Let me in, let me in - or I could just
hop over the fence!

This is an artificial waterfall -
they flush their toilets with sea water!

A mosque paid for by the Saudis!

The port of Algeciras - the port
most often used by North Africans
living in Europe when going home!

Morocco in the distance!

As we were leaving the minibus, I walked over to the driver to hand him a tip. I was loaded up with all my gear when I suddenly realized I didn't have my phone, so he said not to worry he'd go back and have a look. When he didn't find it he looked down at me and went "darlin' it's in your left hand"! I burst out laughing and apologized to him - and of course Monique had to take offence on my behalf because "how rude of him to call you darling, that is just not done"! I swear if I'd had a free hand I would have taken a swing at her by this point, but I patiently explained to her that it's perfectly normal in England for someone to call you "darling" or "love" - especially an older woman. You hear it in the markets all the time and is no more offensive than when the Italians say ciao bella! Damn, I wish she'd get off her high horse just for once, but it wasn't to be - more on that tomorrow!

Cordoba!

The next day we were off to Cordoba to visit the "cathedral within a mosque". Monique was already ruminating as I sat down to have breakfast and by this point I was so fed up of her and her witterings that I had to say something. As she sat down opposite me she immediately started in on whatever the hell was bothering her this morning so I told her that (a) at this point I'm full of cold and can't hear her as she was mumbling, and (b) would she mind giving me 15 minutes to have breakfast in peace because whatever was "wrong" - well I'm sure we could sort it out easily enough a bit later on. Pretty rude of course, but by this time I was really starting to have a belly full of her!

After that we headed out to Cordoba, where the main attraction was the "cathedral within a mosque". As I was about to get off the bus I put sunscreen on my arms because apparently we were in for another scorcher. At this point Motormouth asked if she could have some of the sunscreen so I handed it over to her - at which point Monique said that I shouldn't let her have any because it was up to her to bring her own. I mean, seriously???? When will she ever mind her own goddamn business???? We were given about an hour to ourselves when we first got there and after a little wander five of us sat down in the main square for a drink. I happened to notice that someone had left a parcel at an empty table next to ours so decided to take it into the bar and leave it with them for whenever its owner came back looking for it (a young woman came back about 15 minutes later). While I was in there I paid for the round of drinks, after which Monique tapped me on the arm and said that "on these trips people paid for their own drinks", to which I replied that €13 wasn't going to break the bank and in any case it was my pleasure to pay for a round". All of that earned me "oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, can I carry your bag, can I buy you a drink later"! I tell you, it was like this all bloody week and what I really wanted her to do was to back off and leave me in peace for a few bloody hours. (Oh, and it actually got even worse after this - and since we've been back in France - but I'm guessing that will come out in due course)!

Before heading to the mosque we had what turned out to be the best lunch of the trip. One thing we all agreed on was that the cold tomato soup was so very very good indeed. It's called salmorejo and is not gazpacho (can't stand the stuff) so I looked up the recipe when I got home and will be making it sometime this week as it could be a hit at our next board game evening. You can find the recipe here.

Salmorejo!

At lunch I ended up sitting next to Motormouth's mother and she turned out to be quite pleasant and good company (a) if you remembered to look at her when you spoke so that she could lip read and (b) if her bloody daughter would just leave her alone for five minutes straight. When I asked her if she would like some wine, she said just a drop - at which point her daughter chimed in that "non maman, I don't want you to have wine". So I asked her if she was on any medication that meant she shouldn't drink and she said no, it was just that her daughter thought she ruled the world and everyone in it - so I poured her less than an inch of wine in the bottom of her glass and she gave me a big smile as we clinked glasses! Apparently there is another daughter who is just as bad as Motormouth so I'm guessing life's not exactly a laugh a minute for this poor lady!

After lunch we headed out to the old town of Cordoba, which had once been the capital of what is now Spain during the Roman empire. The site of the mosque had originally been a Christian basilica, then the mosque was built on top of it and later a cathedral was built inside the mosque in the 16th century. As a result of all this, the cathedral within a mosque has the most unusual architecture I think I have ever seen - and all of it very beautiful, even if I do tend to prefer the Arab style when all's said and done

The town also has a "fiesta de los patios" where people compete to see who can create the most beautiful patios, which are open to the public to admire on that one day only!

This patio couldn't compete because
there are only small businesses here,
and no private homes!

After our visit we took a short walk around the Jewish quarter - again very interesting with amazing architecture - before heading back to our bus!

I can't remember this gent's name but despite his clothing style he was actually a Jewish man who made great advances in the treatment of eye ailments (I know, I know, that's probably a very bastardized explanation for the work of a man who was most likely a genius - sorry about that)!

After that it was just a matter of crossing the Roman bridge - which was apparently the only bridge into the old town for over 20 centuries! While we were waiting for our bus, Motormouth's mom raised her walking stick to point to something and the lower part of it flew off, just missing one of the men in our group. I must admit at this point if it had knocked Monique speechless for a while I can't say I would have minded but luckily, no-one was hurt!

The Roman Bridge!

When we got back to the hotel I got chatting to a couple of Scottish scaffolders, one of whom had burned to a fetching reddish colour somewhat akin to that of the salmorejo soup mentioned above. Monique started to wander over but as I made no attempt to include her in our conversation (they didn't speak French of course) she actually left me alone for one whole evening, so thank you lads, and I hope you enjoyed the rest of your stay!

Sevilla!

The next day proved to be the longest (and hottest) day of our trip, with temperatures hitting 38°C (100°F) at one point - it was obviously miserable! Our guide for this day was Jesus (still can't find the Spanish accents), who walked us through the local landscape/agriculture before we arrived in Seville. Much of this region is given over to olive and bitter orange production, and oddly enough the bitter oranges are not used for making marmalade but rather in the perfume industry! While all the byproducts from the olive and orange industry can be used as compost, I had to ask him how he thought all the "dead" solar panels/wind turbines would affect the environment once they were no longer of any use. He explained that the aim was to recycle all these "green energy machines" once they no longer served their purpose, but I do remember seeing somewhere that most of this stuff would just pour more, non-green toxins into the landscape once it was no longer used in agricultural production!

After a couple of hours we stopped at a service station for a potty stop and when I went in to buy a coffee I realized that I'd come out of a totally different door after I'd paid. Not a big deal, but then I realized that Monique was following not too long after me and I just knew she would get lost! In fact, I said as much when I got back to the bus. Monique had gone into the service station to buy candies for the bus and sure enough, we ended up waiting for her as she figured her way round a square building to get back to the bus. I'm not saying this to laugh at her, but I think it is indicative of how she's just not totally with it anymore! More on that later!

She had intended to buy candies for the entire bus and when we set off destination Seville she got up and started passing them around, at which point our guide told her to sit down as it was dangerous. Two minutes later she's up again and again he told her to sit down. At this point she gets pissy because (a) she can't get her seatbelt to work (she'd got it turned round the wrong way) and (b) no-one was going to tell her what to do - so the driver pulled over to the side of the road and said we weren't going any further until Monique sat down! I tried to make light of it by saying "hey, when Jesus tells you to sit down, you sit down" but she just got even more pissy! One of our committee members commented that she thought that since Monique had been club president 15 years ago she just assumed she could do everything that she did back then - but then realized she couldn't. The same is true of all of us of course. I mean, who can do everything you did 15 years ago - certainly not me - but then Monique just lashes out because "no-one was going to tell her what to do"! It's sad really because I know she's a good woman who means well, but she is also a desperately unhappy woman who lashes out at people when she feels inadequate!

Eventually we made it to Plaza de Espana which was absolutely stunning, but unfortunately lack of time and searing heat meant that we probably didn't get to enjoy it was much as we might have!

After Plaza de Espana we headed out for what turned out to be the worst lunch of our stay, but in the end, I wasn't doing the cooking, nor was I doing the washing up. Lunch was followed by a visit to the 15th century cathedral, followed by a walking visit to the Jewish quarter! There really is so much to see in Seville for a history buff so while they tried to fit in as much as they could, it would never be enough and we could spend hours, if not weeks doing the rounds!

Plaza de Espana

In order to visit the cathedral woman were required to cover their shoulders and everyone had to cover their knees - which was a huge joke because once inside the cathedral half the visitors were in shorts and most of the Japanese "influencers" were wearing off-the-shoulder dresses. We were also required to carry ID and two of our group were randomly singled out to produce their ID, while the rest of us got off scott free!

The tomb of Christopher Colombus!

Seville Cathedral

The tomb of Columbus's second son!

After we'd finished our visit we had about 30 minutes to go buy drinks and use the bathrooms. I was sitting outside a cafe with Motormouth on one side and a lady I knew only superficially on the other. All of a sudden Motormouth leans around me to the other lady and asked if she'd been able to deal with her colostomy bag okay???? This woman is frickin' nuts. Who the hell starts talking about someone's colostomy bag outside while sitting at a cafe and working her wrinkled neck past me in order to ask her question???? I tell ya, when I complain about this trip it has nothing to do with those (few) people who struggled physically. In reality it had everything to do with the likes of Motormouth and - sadly - Monique - who followed me around like a lost puppy, desperate for me not to abandon her. One of our ladies commented that this is what she does every Tuesday at club - she chases Martine around because she is so out of her depth. It's sad really, because I know she's worth more than that, but maybe, just maybe, there comes a moment when it's just time to hang up your apron and let someone else take over (although the someone who "takes over" will never be me - no way I'm taking on that sh@t)!

Mijas!

We got to spend our first morning wandering around the hotel and the small beachside resort of Benalmadena - basically checking out the beach and the dozens of restaurants and shops within a short walking distance. After lunch we were joined by our very pregnant guide for the short trip to Mijas, which is a small village situated at 460 metres above sea level. I learned quite some years ago that the homes in these villages are not actually painted with white paint, but are treated with limewash as it is both a natural disinfectant and insect repellant. The down side of using limewash, though, is that it has to be renewed fairly frequently but either way, it paints a very pretty picture!

The famous donkey taxis!

It was a very pretty little village and our guide told us that if we intended to do any shopping, this was the place to do it (turns out she was right, of course). The little backstreet stores were bursting with decorative items and beautiful leather bags at very reasonable prices. Since I wanted to buy myself a new bag, I clocked the place I intended to go back to once our guided tour was over. The guide told us that there were very few steps but if we wanted to go see the 17th century chapel of the Virgen de la Pena (can't find the Spanish accents for this right now - sorry), then it would involve a little walking and that anyone who didn't feel up to it might prefer to sit on the main square with a drink before wandering around the stores for a little shopping!

The chapel of the Virgen de la Pena!

After our guided visit we had about an hour's free time so I sat with a couple of ladies to have a drink before heading off on my shopping spree - and that was when Marie-Claire came running over to say that Anne-Marie had lost her sun glasses and would I mind going back to the stores with her to try to find them! Sod it! Here we go again! So I went with her to a couple of stores and sure enough one of them had her sunglasses. As I was starting back up the hill to check out the bags I heard someone yelling that Anne-Marie had now lost her reading glasses but I dipped into the nearest store and stayed there until it was quite obvious I wasn't coming back. Lady, put a chain on your bloody glasses or superglue them to your forehead - I don't care but do whatever it takes to not keep losing stuff. In the end she couldn't find them and was mighty annoyed because she'd only just gotten them. All this pissing around meant that I didn't get to go back to the store I'd picked out to look for a bag, so I was in no mood to hear it when someone pointed out that Anne-Marie was really struggling to make it back to the bus. When I heard her say "I know I'm a bit tubby" I almost fell over 'cos that "tub" probably weighed somewhere between 70 and 80 lbs, so I asked our guide if we could take a minute for her to rest, but when her friend said she was still struggling I asked her what she expected anyone to do - have me push from behind while our pregnant guide pulled from the front? The honest truth is she's about 70 years old and a good 70 lbs overweight but she made the decision to take that tour, despite our guide's warning and ultimately it had to be her problem to solve!

Then I had Monique chasing after me all morning like a lost puppy. She suggested it might be a nice gesture to send a postcard back to the new lady Mayor who allows the club to use their clubhouse free of charge. I told her I thought that was a good idea but that she should just sign it herself rather than have all of us on the trip sign it because then she'd end up running round trying to make sure she'd gotten all the signatures. She wasn't best pleased with my answer so I told her to go ahead and do what she wanted, but it seemed to me that she wanted me to go with her while she bought the postcard - eh, no thank you, I've had enough of hand-holding already on this trip and it was only our first day!

I'd gotten sick just before we travelled so was still nursing a bit of a cough and when I coughed she started up with the "can I get you a Tylenol, do you want me to go to the pharmacy for you, can I get you a hot tea, shall I carry your bag for you"? I told her no thank you as I was perfectly fine but by this time I really wanted to shout "for god's sake just back off will you" (I didn't, but how I held it in all week I don't know)! With the drama of the previous day, in the evening, when people were having an apéro, Monique had gone from table to table rehashing the story over and over again. At first people were sympathetic but eventually they just wanted to sit by the pool and chat about their new grandbaby, their knee replacement or just enjoy the view, but no, Monique constantly interrupted everyone regurgitating the same old, same old, until someone asked me what we could do to make her shut up. In the end I suggested it might be a good idea to take the microphone on the bus and set out the facts exactly as they had happened so that everyone would have the correct story and we could be done with it once and for all. Ha, if only - she did indeed tell the story over the microphone but oh foolish me if I thought that was the end of it. She obviously rambles through things constantly in her mind and by the time she gets to sit down she's already rehashed a whole new story to regale everyone with!

The saving grace of the day was that it was my birthday and Jen sent me a voicemail of Charlie singing happy birthday to me in English. Then Elynn had a go and since she and I often play wolves, her song sounded like "aawwwooooo to you, aawwwooo to you" - but it was so lovely I wanted to cry!

It made up for what already seemed to be becoming a pattern of being pulled all over the place by people who, if they can't assume responsibility for themselves at this point, well then I'm sorry, but maybe they should stick closer to home in the future! Ha, and to think I even toyed with the idea of becoming a tour guide after I retired. Shoot me now if I ever mention that again!

A former monastery in Mijas!

I'm back!

Well I got back a bit later than expected last night due to roadworks having us divert through Annecy. We were expecting to get in around midnight but in the end we only made it back around 2 am. I wasn't driving, of course, but like most of us I was really glad to get home and back to my own bed! The trip was "different" - let's put it diplomatically - because while Andalucia is beautiful, travelling with a group such as the old fogies had more than its fair share of challenges. The majority were really nice and good fun, but as always it's just a few that make life harder on everyone! Sad to say that while Monique (the president) had done a sterling job organizing the trip with a Lyon-based travel agent, she really was in way over her head as far as the practicalities were concerned so an awful lot of it got dumped on me!

Anyway, I managed to pack pretty light (8kg instead of the 20 kg I was allowed) because I've long known that what you end up packing you end up carrying yourself at some point. Our trip to Lyon airport took just over two hours, but from a logistics point of view it wasn't great because our bus had to drop us off at the train station as the larger vehicles can't get near the airport terminals. That was where Monique started "moithering" already as she couldn't figure out where we had to go, despite the fact that she's been quite the avid traveller over the years. So I pulled out our paperwork, herded us all over to Terminal 1 and the Volotea desk, where our travel agent was waiting with our boarding passes. One of the ladies at club has a daughter who lives about six hours away and comes up every couple of months to see her mom. Mom is pretty deaf and the daughter (I started calling her Motormouth) managed to park her mom at the front of the bus (so she could hear better) and then seat herself at the back of the bus so she could run up and down yelling "Maman, are you following what she's saying"? To me it begs the question why she didn't sit next to her mom and help her, since mom also walks with a stick, but I guess it was an easier way to draw attention to herself if she ran up and down the bus screeching!

Anyway, as we were waiting to check in I saw that there was a commotion at the front of the queue and apparently one our ladies was out for the count after fainting. Motormouth then runs to the front of the queue to check on Maman (why wasn't she with maman to begin with?) and that's when it transpired that it was another lady who suffers from diabetes who had fainted. Over here we refer to first responders as firemen and the gate staff and firemen were immediately on the case taking care of this lady, but Motormouth kept insisting she knew better how to take care of her because she "worked in an old people's home" (I think she's a cleaner - teehee). It seems Motormouth is an expert on everything and eventually the firemen had to tell her to piss off because they knew where to find her if they needed her expertise later! On a side note, much as I loved her, my late sister-in-law was a bit like this - an expert on everything and everywhere she'd ever worked. She was once regaling us with all the ins and outs of local policing policy when eventually my nephew piped up and said "mom, you only type parking tickets"! She didn't like that very much but at least it shut her up for a bit, although no such luck with Motormouth! Ultimately our diabetic lady was fine (if embarrassed) and able to continue on with the trip!

Next came Leone who has a financial guardian that I've had to deal with on several occasions regarding payments for various trips/outings that she has wanted to do. She has money, it's just that she has someone else take care of her financial needs (and I have to admit they do a good job of it). All that to say that I know she has a guardian, but then why Monique would be discussing this with others on the trip is totally beyond me, and very unprofessional. Anyway, Leone also walks with a stick and needed assistance at the gate. When they boarded us, some of our group were at the front and the rest of us were scattered throughout the plane so there was no real way we could be sure our entire party had boarded. When the scheduled take-off time came and went we ended up sitting on the tarmac for about an hour before the pilot announced that they had had a no show and were in the process of removing a lady's luggage, and that was when they called Monique to the front of the plane to ask about Leone. Trouble is (and in my opinion this was pretty piss poor for a flight leaving from France) none of the cabin crew spoke French - it was either Spanish or English - so that's how I got dragged into the whole bar fight. Turns out airport assistance had taken Leone's hand luggage and put it on the plane for her, but when it came time to get through the gate they wanted to see her ID - which of course she couldn't give them because it was already on the plane! So they won't let Leone board because boarding is now closed, and they won't let Monique get off to go to her either, so we ended up taking off with Leone sitting in her wheelchair crying and Monique sitting next to me on the plane crying! Honestly this was a major screw up on the part of ground staff and because Leone is under very strict financial control, she basically had no money on her. Moreover, as we had just taken off we couldn't use our phones to call the travel agent until we landed (two hours later) - what a bloody mess. Ultimately the travel agents stepped in, got her a room for the night and reorganized her flight plus taxi plus special assistance for the next day. The thing is, if it had been me that got left behind, while I would have been pissed, I could at least get myself a hotel and sort things out from there but for it happen to Leone - well that was just about the worst person it could happen to! On a side note, I would have put Leone in her 80s but it turns out she's my age, so that came as something of a shocker too!

Then we had Sylvie, who had never flown before, and as we were taking off she thought it would be great to get a picture out of the window and jumped out of her seat to do so. The flight attendant (who had a face like she sucked lemons for breakfast every morning) yelled at her to sit down and we managed to drag her back to her seat. I know, I know, who the hell jumps out of their seat during take-off, but then the first time I ever flew I was too hot and tried to open the window, so maybe I shouldn't laugh. Anyway, once we levelled off, lemon-sucker came up to us and asked me to translate for her while she gave Sylvie a bollocking. Of course she was absolutely right but I can't say it did anything to strengthen the entente cordiale onboard either!

Anyway, we finally made it to our hotel and while the staff and the hotel itself were lovely, my room (for which I'd paid a single supplement) appeared to be the worst on the block, with the shower being barely big enough to get into (think smaller than an airplane toilet) and a brick for a pillow. I was tired and dirty and in no mood to argue right then so I didn't get much sleep first night either. The hotel rep turned out to be very professional and helpful, and the fact that he was also quite cute didn't go unnoticed by Motormouth, who promptly ran over to him to do a bise (the kiss on both cheeks) which is something you only do to people you know and not to people you've only just met - and certainly not to the hotel rep! Honestly, the woman is vulgar as well as loud-mouthed, and now here she was behaving like a bitch in heat - it was so embarrassing!

Luckily for me, our various excursions were lovely, which was just as well because my days of having to act like a tour guide and getting pulled from left to right by (a few) members of our group only got worse as time went on. Thankfully the majority of our group were totally independent and a great support but since I was the only one who spoke English and/or Spanish, a lot of the crap got dumped on me! So more tomorrow then!

Later in the afternoon - beautiful Mijas!

Mijas - a google image!